Reasons to hire/not hire every Gamecock head coach candidate

For the first time in nearly 11 years, South Carolina is looking for a head football coach.

Shawn Elliott has been named interim head coach in the wake of Steve Spurrier's resignation, but plenty of other names are being thrown around as potential replacements for the HBC.

You want to be able to passionately agree or disagree with every name that is mentioned?

I've got you covered.

Matt Campbell (Head Coach, Toledo)

Hire him because...

Being young is hip, man! Campbell has nearly as many head coaching wins (31) as he does years spent on this rotating rock we call "Earth" (35). His worst season at Toledo was a 7-5 campaign in 2012 and four of his 13 career losses came against ranked opponents. Give this guy SEC-caliber talent and just imagine what he could do. After all, he's already shown he can beat Arkansas.

Don't hire him because...

Oh great, a Mid-American Conference head coach! What, was nobody from the CFL interested?  I guess if you can manage to slug it out with UMass and Kent State, you deserve a shot at Florida and Texas A&M. They won the GoDaddy.com Bowl last year. If one of your biggest career highlights involves GoDaddy.com, you're not doing great. Danica Patrick knows what I mean.

Mark Dantonio (Head Coach, Michigan State)

Hire him because...

He's one of us! He played at South Carolina for three seasons and look what he's done at Michigan State. 30-3 in his last 33 games! Don't you think he'd love a chance to come back to his alma mater and get out of the cold? Not to mention, out of the Big Ten? No more dealing with Urban Meyer or Jim Harbaugh? I mean, I know he's 59, but that's no reason...

Don't hire him because...

HE'S FIFTY-NINE?!?! Like, 59 years?!?! Can he still process dairy? Does he have one of those walkers with tennis balls stuck to the bottom? When did he play at South Carolina, the 1890s?! Last thing we need is some geriatric taking heart medication in the middle of the second quarter! I bet he doesn't even know who Justin Bieber is! Keep your old bones in East Lansing, gramps!

Shawn Elliott (Interim Head Coach, South Carolina)

Hire him because...

He's a lifer! Raised in Camden, grew up going to Gamecock games, pretending to play Clemson in his backyard. No one wants this gig more than he does. Look how happy he was during the press conference. When have you ever seen an offensive line coach happy about anything? He helped Spurrier get the Gamecocks to Atlanta. Three national championship rings. He's the guy!

Don't hire him because...

Giving people things just because they want them...sounds like more of the wussification of America. Last time I checked, unless you're name is Lane Kiffin, you have to be good at something to get a promotion. South Carolina's run game is horrendous and he's the run game coordinator. Going crazy in pregame warmups does not make you a good coach!

Justin Fuente (Head Coach, Memphis)

Hire him because...

He's winning at Memphis! Who does that? No one, no one would be the correct answer. He's 15-3 in his last 18 games after they went 7-17 in his first two seasons. He turned things around there, he can do it in Columbia, too! He's not some flash in the pan, he's a proven winner at one of the toughest places to win in the entire sport. Feel the Fuente fever!

Don't hire him because...

Sure, just hire whatever middling middle-level mid-major middle middle middle-y coach you want. It's not like this job means going toe-to-toe with the BEST TEAMS IN AMERICA! Half the country thinks his last name is "Fuentes," how good can he actually be? People never mispronounced Bear Bryant's name! You know why? Because he was a winner and bears are scary.

Tom Herman (Head Coach, Houston)

Hire him because...

He's a rising star! He got three different quarterbacks ready to play at Ohio State and guided the third-stringer through a conference championship game, a national semifinal and a national championship! He's undefeated in his first season as a head coach and is only 40 years old. If things go well, he could stay in Columbia for a long, long time. 

Don't hire him because...

Former offensive coordinator from the reigning national champions...hmmm, nothing bad can happen there. Oh wait, what's that? Brad Scott on line one? Let's go ahead and prep another guy to become an assistant at Clemson. Why do you want South Carolina to go 1-10 again? Are you a spy? Did you secretly go to Clemson? Are you sending them our playbook? TRAITOR!!!

Kirby Smart (Defensive Coordinator/Linebackers Coach, Alabama)

Hire him because...

SEC! SEC! SEC! Played at Georgia, coached at Georgia and LSU, now coaching at Alabama. His resume couldn't be more southern if you slathered it in gravy and threw it in a deep-fryer. Consistently has one of the best defenses in college football and has a national championship ring to boot. Oh by the way, Nick Saban seems to think he's worth having around. So there's something. 

Don't hire him because...

What could possibly go wrong with hiring a sharp defensive mind with no head coaching experience? Why don't you ask the smoldering wreckage that was the 2014 Florida Gators? After losing because they had no defense, do you honestly think it'll be more fun to watch the Gamecocks when they lose because they have no offense? Keep your Muschamp clone, Saban!

Charlie Strong (Head Coach, Texas)

Hire him because...

He could have been here the whole time! Strong helped carry Lou Holtz to back-to-back bowl wins. Even in 1999, his defense was ranked in the top-60. He won at Louisville and he did it without wrecking a motorcycle with a blonde co-ed wrapped around his waist (yes, I know it happened at Arkansas, stick with me). If he can get Texas to beat Oklahoma, he deserves a shot.

Don't hire him because...

What fun it will be to watch four more years of opponents converting third-and-21! This is the man whose engineered the defense that gave up 152 rushing yards to Alabama quarterback Tyler Watts. Do you remember Tyler Watts? Guess what, neither does anybody else in the SEC! Keep him Longhorns, maybe you can go to a January 4th bowl game this year. Hook 'em!

Charlie Weis (N/A)