In a shocking discovery, I just learned that the University of South Carolina competes in sports other than football. Here's the upcoming schedule for those other sports teams, along with a brief preview.
Women's Basketball @ Missouri
January 15, 9:00 pm
I'm still not entirely sure what the team should be called when it's all women. I mean, don't Gamecocks have to be male since they're roosters and all? There's gotta be a more badass name for lady chickens than just "hens". Or maybe the team can have a different bird mascot altogether! Like the Freebirds! Come on, you can play Skynyrd during every time out, and you can actually play "Freebird" as the crowd funnels out after a big win. Now that's a rock and roll basketball team right there!
Track @ Virginia Tech Invitational
January 16 (all day)
Just as a reminder, Track and Field covers several different sports that nobody cares enough about individually to pay attention to. Except during the Olympics, when all of a sudden people are all about that Javelin life. Also, in addition to the shot put, which already involves throwing a heavy metal ball, there's a sport called "weight throw"? How is it different from shot put? No I'm not going to look it up on Wikipedia, I need answers now!
Men's Tennis vs. Elon
January 17, 10 am
Men's Tennis vs. Furman
January 17, 3 pm
Women's Tennis @ Michigan Invitational
January 17-19 (all day)
All right, this is dumb. First of all, I don't know why tennis is separated into men's and women's. There's no difference in the sport! The court is the same, the rackets and balls are the same, and clearly the level of competish is the same. You tryna say Serena Williams and Novak Djokovich wouldn't go to five sets? You're crazy, and also a sexist. A crazy sexist, just like [INSERT TOPICAL FIGURE FROM CURRENT EVENTS HERE].
Swimming & Diving vs. Missouri
January 17, Noon
Alright, I get how swimming is judged, since it's purely a speed thing, but how is diving judged in college competition? Do they bring in judges? Are the judges impartial? I'm going to guess no, since they likely have connections to the most corrupt system since any major Soviet power of the 1980's: the NCAA. Also, I'm presuming this is Olympic-style diving since I can't imagine where else the Olympic team would get its divers from, other than hanging out by public pools and seeing who jumps off the high dive. Yes, they share the same spying bush as the pedophiles.
Men's Basketball @ Auburn
January 17, 8:30 pm
Men's hoops, or as I like to call it, "whoops", are trying to remain on track after picking up a close win against Alabama last night, 68-66, following consecutive losses. After last night's win, Coach Frank Martin reportedly ripped the spine out of Alabama's coach, Tony Grant. Yes, the skull was still intact on the spine, Predators-style. Seriously, I'm really concerned about what kind of coach Frank Martin is when the team is actually winning games. Does he become more or less murderous?
Women's Basketball @ Florida
January 19, 7 pm
Dawn Staley is a basketball treasure. She's a four-time Olympic gold medalist (three times as a player, once as an assistant coach) and is a six-time WNBA All-Star. She's led South Carolina to a level of success unparalleled in its own history, yet I can't shake the feeling the university only hired her because they thought she was related to legendary running back Duce Staley. Duce has got a lot of sway around these parts, especially for a man named Duce.
January 20, 9 pm
Such a late start time for a non-West Coast sporting event, but I've got nothing else going on, so I suppose they called my bluff on that. Now the question is which one of these Gamecock ballers is secretly a werewolf who can't be let out after midnight? My guess so far is Mindaugas Kacinas, the Junior Lithuanian forward. Lithuania just seems like a nation filled with creepy stories and urban legends, so I wouldn't surprised if Mindy (my nickname for him) got bit by a werewolf at some point during his youth in the countryside.