Stray Thoughts from Night One of the NFL Draft

Mel Kiper called Marcus Mariota "Marcus Marioto", which would be a terrible disguise if Mariota ever decided to hide out in Japan.

Chris Berman referred to the Jacksonville Jaguars as the "Werewolves of London" since they play in London at least once a year. I refer to Chris Berman as the "Fat Guy in Hooters", because I can see the look of shame on his face.

When Jon Gruden puts on his reading glasses, one of two things are going to happen: either he's going to drop some serious scouting knowledge about a player, or he's going to ask the waitress why Corona isn't on the beer list. Yes, this scenario also takes place at the same Hooters with Chris Berman.

While we're on the subject of Hooters and Jon Gruden, did you know the coach has done multiple videos for their YouTube channel? Furthermore, he's even pretended to give a crap about teaching the some Hooters waitresses how to play football. Take a look:

Congrats, Dante Fowler! You're now somebody who won't be remembered because of the first two guys drafted in front of you. He seemed unhappy and so did his family. Can you blame them, though? I mean, who was the guy drafted after Peyton Manning and Ryan Leaf? The answer is Andre Wadsworth, if you're curious, another huge bust held out on his rookie contract until the day before the season opener, and only played in 36 games in three seasons due to a bad knee. So have fun, Dante!

Amari Cooper will be a non-Raider within five years. He's just gotta grit his teeth through three more coaching changes and trying to catch passes from the other Carr brother.

Oh, excuse me, I meant to call them the Oakland "Raidas", as Jon Gruden says.

Brandon Scherff is only the third offensive lineman selected by Redskins in the first round since 2001, and boy did the Redskins pick a big'un. At 6'4" and 320 pounds, the man is the definition of wide. I mean, look at these highlights:

I'm positive we'll see Scherff pick up a defensive lineman over his head, and rip him in half sometime during his career. It's only a matter of time.

Very appropriate that it's Jets fans who are booing minutes before their pick is even announced. It's like all the most annoying stereotypes of New Yorkers decided to become fans of one team, just so they can have something to get angry at while drunk.

Mel Kiper was clearly killing everyone's buzz by saying the Jets should draft an offensive lineman instead of Kevin White. The producer screaming in Chris Berman's earpiece was desperate to throw it to some clips of Kevin White shaggin' balls.

Kevin White gets a loving reception from the Chicago crowd after he's drafted by the Bears, but if you listened to Chris Berman's call, you would've thought they were going to tear the place apart with joy. He even jokingly said "The Bears have won the Super Bowl!", further proving to me that Chris Berman doesn't know what true excitement sounds like anymore. This is his life now.

Seeing the analysts tear Vic Beasley to shreds after he's drafted by Atlanta is certainly a guilty pleasure. I often try to separate the hate for upstate from the individuals that attended the school, but it's so easy to imagine some douchey Clemmy bro sitting in his dorm room all pumped that a Clemson guy was drafted in the top ten, only to lose his chub immediately after Mel Kiper starts going to town. That's just a satisfying thought, right there.

Hey everybody, the pick is in, so let's wait another 5 minutes so we can hear Louis Riddick's unimportant opinions. Damn you ESPN for making everything about you.

Low-key favorite moment of the night: the analysts talk about how, even though the Giants need an offensive lineman, the best one available (Ereck Flowers) is projected to go somewhere in the 20s. No less than ten seconds later, the Giants pick Flowers with #9. Awkward silence ensues.

Chris Berman was about to have a conniption while screaming about a running back being drafted in the top ten again. How can one man's happiness be so damn annoying? Unrelated: Todd Gurley only had three fumbles his entire college career? That's insane.

Random fact: since 2001, only one Tennessee Titans quarterback has lasted an entire season. Not surprisingly, it's the oldest quarterback in the NFL, Matt Hasselbeck!

Shout-out to Danny Shelton for a variety of reasons
-He wore formal shorts and a lei to the draft
-He brought his entire Samoan family, and they're all adorable
-He picked up Roger Goodell, albeit without crushing him to death. I take points off for that
-He was actually happy to be there!

Andrus Peat could totally pick a guy up and spin him on his pinkie finger. He's that huge.

Louis Riddick reminds us that the Dolphins "could use a wide receiver after Brian Hartline and Mike Wallace left". I'm gonna go ahead and file that under N for NO S***.

Wow, big ups to Melvin Gordon for being the first player at the draft who didn't try and sound like he was all too-cool-for-this. He actually sounded like a young guy who just had his dream come true and didn't know how to respond on national television. Bless your heart, Melvin Gordon.

Kevin Johnson, your finger wag is not intimidating, and will not catch on with today's youth. Not every player needs a signature hand gesture, y'know. Some people are blessed with the right hands and the right groove, and Kevin Johnson is not.

Cameron Ervin's dad hates wearing hats. Or at least, hates wearing a Browns hat. Can't blame him for that.