I don't care for the use of the word "fantasy" when describing anything that currently exists in the real world. "Fantasy" and "pretending" are two different words, okay? You can pretend to be a general manager all you want, but that doesn't mean you're playing fantasy football. If the NFL really wanted to exist in the realm of fantasy, then they would need to have a fantastical draft. Working off of fiction featuring superheroes, monsters, the inexplicable and the strange, I have comprised a first round worthy of any mash-up of literary giants. The ending of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? where Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse hang out? A pile of garbage next to this compilation.
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers select Superman
When you have the first pick in the draft, you simply draft the best player there is. That's all there is to it. You can't overthink it, otherwise you'll just get bogged down in the sheer volume of options, and a mountain of "what ifs". Superman is the total package: he's smart, proven by his excellence in journalism. He's a good leader, proven by being able to keep Earth safe as head of the Justice League. In addition to his super-strength and super-speed, he's proven to be extremely durable, even surviving the comic arc entitled "Death of Superman". He's a once-in-a-generation talent, and you can't pass that up.
2. Tennessee Titans select The Flash
Raw speed has become such an overrated attribute that it's now become underrated. Having the fastest person on the planet gives your team so much more versatility, especially if they have sure hands. Heck, he could play both sides of the ball, and special teams. Imagine the quarterback, sacked before he can even finish saying "hike". A player who can run up right in front of the punter and snatch the ball before it leaves the tip of his toe. I can't speak to his stamina, but I imagine it's relatively high. Not that it would matter, since most drives would consist of one play. Now that's pro-ready!
3. Jacksonville Jaguars select Clifford the Big Red Dog
Look, the entire draft could be filled with just superheroes, but the world of fiction goes far beyond pulpy pages that feature mere humans. Clifford's size, first of all, is virtually unparalleled by any human, super-powered or otherwise. He could just step on any player he wanted, and they'd be powerless. Secondly, if you're worried about his lack of thumbs to catch the ball, don't forget he can catch anything with his mouth. Hell, he could just hide the football in his mouth and run into the endzone. He could take the place of an entire defensive line! That's what size gets you in the modern NFL. Clifford will need to work on his coordination and learning the finer points of the game, but there's no doubt he has a ton of raw potential.
4. Oakland Raiders select Q (from Star Trek)
Oh come on, I know we have some Trekkies in the midst of our readers. For those of you not in the know, Q is a character from the Star Trek universe who is a member of a species known as, yes, the Q Continuum. Q's species can take any form they want, are virtually invulnerable, and are pretty much like gods in the science-fiction world of Star Trek. What makes Q so special? He's quite mischievous, somewhat cruel, and loves to play games. It's more than just power in the game of football, it's also passion. Q wants to win when he plays games, and will do whatever it takes. That's the right attitude to bring to the gridiron. Again, did I mention the god-like powers?
5. Washington Redskins select Apache Chief
I had to make this pick a very team-specific one, simply because this is the kind of bananas crap Dan Snyder would try to pull off. In an attempt at making the Redskins seem more like friends of the Native American peoples, as opposed to a team that proudly wears a racial epithet, the team would draft Apache Chief, one of the affirmative-action hires of the Super Friends in the 1970s. While I personally am in favor of certain aspects of affirmative action, the character was quite the stereotype hodgepodge, complete with broken English, a buffalo-hide vest and loincloth outfit, and of course, wise Native American sayings. However, he does have the power to turn into a giant, so it's not like he's without talent. Still though, it's another transparent attempt by Snyder to make us all believe he's not defending the Native American equivalent of the N-word.
6. New York Jets select Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense
He can see dead people right? Which means he can THROW TO DEAD PEOPLE TOO! Imagine having a whole other team on the field to play alongside yours, filled with some of the legends of our time (presumably). He'll get cheered on by thousands, if not millions of dead fans, giving his team the extra confidence boost they need. Plus, you don't have to deal with that dead body smell. Well, aside from the one that's already there. I tell ya, East Rutherford, New Jersey is not a pretty city.
7. Chicago Bears select the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgement Day
Virtually indestructable, can take the form of any person, doesn't mouth off, and can be programmed to become hellbent on a singular task. Imagine the levels of trickery that could occur during a single game, not to mention all the unnecessary murder. The T-1000 could pretend to be the opposing team's center, and instead of snapping the ball, just hand it to the defense and let them do the rest. Or pretend to be the head coach of the opposing team, and forfeit the game! There's a lot of opportunities here, but once again, please do not program your T-1000 to murder.
8. Atlanta Falcons select Captain America
He's like Superman, except more down to Earth, and also not an actual alien. The whole problem with Superman is that people are actually a little bit terrified of him. Here's this huge alien, who looks like a human, but has laser vision and can fly, and probably can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Captain America states it outright: he's an American, and a captain. He has tremendous leadership skills, perhaps more than anyone else in existence. Combine that with super strength, perfect aim (have you seen him toss that shield?) and of course, dazzling good looks, and you have yourself the perfect quarterback.
9. New York Giants select Hermoine Granger, from Harry Potter
What, you thought I was going to actually select Harry? Sure, the guy saved the world a bunch, but it's only because he was *~*~DESTINED TO~*~*. Hermoine was the best student in all of Hogwarts, and actually was an extremely adept wizard, even if she is half-muggle. You don't always go for the highest profile players in the draft, or the ones with all the championships. You go for the ones you think have the most talent and the highest upside, and Granger would be likely to stick around in the fantasy NFL for years. Plus, she basically has the same god-powers of Q. She can make people stronger, create things out of thin air, play tricks. Magic rules, yo.
10. St. Louis Rams select Edward Cullen, from Twilight
I can just imagine Jeff Fisher being all excited, thinking he's drafting the next Dracula or something. "Guys, he's a vampire! And we play in a dome! It's totally safe! He's hundreds of years old, but moves super fast, and doesn't need to eat anything other than blood on occasion. We're talking future of the franchise here." Jeff Fisher's daughter clearly tricked him into this, as Fisher stopped paying attention to her the minute she said vampire. Also, still don't think this is necessarily a good pick, as Cullen was fairly adverse to any sports, according to the blog posts that I've read by 13-year-old girls. How's that for a scouting report?