NFL Mock Draft Haikus

By Rixon Lane

The NFL Draft is tomorrow and every football nut in the world will have their eyes trained on Chicago to watch the madness unfold. 

Meanwhile, everyone with a keyboard is busy putting together their mock drafts, none of which will accurately predict how the event goes.

We believe both of these proceedings could use a little class.

Here is our NFL mock draft, with a haiku analysis of every pick.

 

No. 1 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State

As long as there are

no crablegs in Tampa Bay

this should go smoothly

 

No. 2 - Tennessee Titans - Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon

Nashville is almost

exactly like Hawaii

if you close your eyes

 

No. 3 - Jacksonville Jaguars - Dante Fowler, Jr., OLB, Florida

Edge rushers are fun

and Will Muschamp could sure use

things to smile about

 

No. 4 - Oakland Raiders - Amari Cooper, WR, Alabama

SEC wideouts

who have the last name "Cooper"

are good at catching

 

No. 5 - Washington Redskins - Vic Beasley, OLB, Clemson

Don't mention Clowney

Vic really doesn't like it

when people do that

 

No. 6 - New York Jets - Shane Ray, DE, Missouri

The Jets aren't going

to worry about silly

things like Mary Jane

 

No. 7 - Chicago Bears - Trae Waynes, CB, Michigan State

Let's all pour some out

for those poor suffering Bears

stuck with Jay Cutler

 

No. 8 - Atlanta Falcons - Bud Dupree, OLB, Kentucky

Gamecock fans you should

probably just skip this one

Lexington flashbacks

 

No. 9 - New York Giants - Danny Shelton, NT, Washington

Run-stuffing linemen

are typically very large

so they are Giants

 

No. 10 - Saint Louis Rams - Brandon Scherff, OG, Iowa

"Greatest Show On Turf"

isn't walking through that door

anytime soon folks

 

No. 11 - Minnesota Vikings - Kevin White, WR, West Virginia

Anything to make

those sad cold Minnesotans

forget Adrian

 

No. 12 - Cleveland Browns - Devante Parker, WR, Louisville

Doesn't matter how

sober Johnny Football is

needs folks to throw to

 

No. 13 - New Orleans Saints - La'el Collins, OT, LSU

Former Tiger will

know all the best places to

scarf down some gumbo

 

No. 14 - Miami Dolphins - Nelson Agholor, WR, USC

Ryan Tannehill

ould use a big season to

make Lauren happy

 

No. 15 - San Francisco 49ers - Arik Armstead, DT, Oregon

Concerns over the

inability to spell 

"Eric" are quite real

 

No. 16 - Houston Texans - Breshad Perriman, WR, Central Florida

Perimeter speed

that helped UCF defeat

Penn State in '13

 

No. 17 - San Diego Chargers - Todd Gurley, RB, Georgia

Knee injuries stink

but Gurley is a monster

and a first-rounder

 

No. 18 - Kansas City Chiefs - Cameron Erving, C, Florida State

Chiefs need a center

Andy Reid's center is round

everything connects

 

No. 19 - Cleveland Browns - Eddie Goldman, DT, Florida State

Hey everybody

if we can't all take Jameis

let's get his teammates

 

No. 20 - Philadelphia Eagles - Landon Collins, SS, Alabama

Chip Kelly should know

SEC players are good

22-19

 

No. 21 - Cincinnati Bengals - Dorial Green-Beckham, WR, Missouri

They wouldn't be the

Bengals without a couple

character risks, right?

 

No. 22 - Pittsburgh Steelers - Kevin Johnson, CB, Wake Forest

Steelers need corners

ohnson is one of the best

everybody wins

 

No. 23 - Detroit Lions - Malcom Brown, DT, Texas

The Longhorns aren't great

but Malcom Brown could replace

Ndamukong Suh

 

No. 24 - Arizona Cardinals - Randy Gregory, OLB, Nebraska

Nebraska player

reminds me of good ol' Bo

I miss Pelini

 

No. 25 - Carolina Panthers - Ereck Flowers, OT, Miami

A funky "Eric"

must be taken every ten

picks in this year's draft

 

No. 26 - Baltimore Ravens - Phillip Dorsett, WR, Miami

The U has got speed

The Ravens have Joe Flacco

Stop the violence please

 

No. 27 - Dallas Cowboys - Melvin Gordon, RB, Wisconsin

Jerry Jones wants stars

Melvin Gordon is a beast

Cowboys still won't win

 

No. 28 - Denver Broncos - T.J. Clemmings, OT, Pittsburgh

Peyton Manning can't

take many more hits before

his neck just explodes

 

No. 29 - Indianapolis Colts - Jake Fisher, OT, Oregon

Andrew Luck and his

really disgusting neckbeard

must be protected

 

No. 30 - Green Bay Packers - Jalen Collins, CB, LSU

As long as Green Bay

has number 12 on the team

they will be just fine

 

No. 31 - New Orleans - Jalen Strong, WR, Arizona State

Want your child to be

a first-round draft pick one day?

Name the kid "Jalen"

 

No. 32 - New England Patriots - Laken Tomlinson, OG, Duke

Those smart Duke players

will know how to deflate all

the footballs Bill wants