Why Every Team in the NCAA Tournament will Lose (West & East Brackets)

WEST
#1 Wisconsin
Too much cheese, beer and sausage. I know that sounds like a stereotypical Wisconsin joke, but I've been in many parts of the state, and these people love their cheese, beer, and sausage. I have no idea why they're so proud of it, but it is what it is.

#16 Coastal Carolina
Hey, they're on the coast, and the weather is warm. It's surfin' season, brah. I mean, have you seen those waves? Look at it! It's a once in a lifetime opportunity, man! Let them go out there and let them get one wave, just one wave before they have to play basketball. I mean, come on man, where are they gonna go? Cliffs on both sides!

#8 Oregon
Chip Kelly ends up signing the entire team to the Eagles roster. Topical!

#9 Oklahoma State
Dust Bowl. These things are rampant out there, I swear. You'd think everybody was still living in the time of the Grapes of Wrath, or something. I know it was called the Great Depression, but get over it already. #Drought

#5 Arkansas
Bret Bielema eats all the food the team had saved for the trip to the tournament. Plus their uniforms. And gear. And bus.

#12 Wofford
I'm not exactly sure how it will happen, but I know it will involve Whoppers. Whopper. Wofford. Whopper. Wofford. Whopper. Wofford. It's freaking me out, and making me hungry.

#4 North Carolina
The university brings in Michael Jordan, known Tar Heel alumni, to say some words of inspiration to the team. Instead, he berates their talent, destroys their confidence, and takes all of their money at poker. Their confidence is shattered.

#13 Harvard
Adderall overdose. Those nerds can't handle their high.

#6 Xavier
Killed by Magneto and his Brotherhood of Mutants, as the X-Men are defeated in battle.

#11 Ole Miss
Who the hell thought it was a good idea to make Bo Wallace the starting point guard?

#3 Baylor
Heck, anything I could've made up wouldn't have been as good as what really happened:

#7 VCU
Virginia Commonwealth decides to honor the roots of their name, dressing up in the appropriate outfits of colonial times. It is very hard to run in knickerbockers, you guys.

#10 Ohio State
The state of Ohio can't have too much success, otherwise people might stop pitying them. Thus, Ohio State forfeits, claiming "God Hates Cleveland", even though the school is located in Columbus.

#2 Arizona
Entire team accidentally sat on a cactus. Arizona problems, am I right?!

#15 Texas Southern
Team can't cooperate due to half the team being made up of Texas secessionists, and the other half being made up of illegal immigrants. Believe it or not, they have very different agendas.

EAST
#1 Villanova
Saint Thomas of Villanova was a chump saint.

#16 Lafayette
The Marquis de Lafayette was a chump French Revolutionary.

#8 NC State
Had to abandon the tournament to join the reformation of the nWo Wolfpac. Wolfpacks stick together... 4 LYFE! 2 SWEEEEEEEEEET!

Gotta rep the red and black

#9 LSU
Entire team eaten by actual tiger in the wilds of Louisiana.

#5 Northern Iowa
Tell me, what's in Northern Iowa? Does it actually exist? Is this team just a figment of my imagination? Once they step off the court, they simply turn into dust. That's not a sound strategy for maintaining momentum.

#12 Wyoming
Due to recruiting violations, team is forced to only play with players from Wyoming, of which they have one. He's the happiest white boy on the planet.

#4 Louisville
Rick Pitino's face melts off in the middle of a game, revealing himself to be a general in the space lizard army. I told you, TRUST NOBODY.

#13 UC-Irvine
The team is unable to practice due to the court being used to shoot scenes for the film Space Jam 2: Even More Overrated starring LeBron James and a bunch of terrible Disney Channel cartoons.

#6 Providence
Rhode Island officially breaks off from the continental United States, and goes adrift into the Atlantic Ocean, before getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle. Nobody notices it missing.

#11 Dayton
In a cruel twist of irony, the Dayton Flyers' jet is unable to take off, forcing the team to hitch a ride with the Amish of Ohio. The caravan of buggies don't arrive to the tournament until the day after it ends... three years later.

#3 Oklahoma
Dust bowl. Why would Oklahoma State be the only school in the state affected by the dust bowl? Come on, man, get it together.

#14 Albany
Western New York: Where Dreams go to Die.

#7 Michigan State
Tom Izzo has led Michigan State to the NCAA tournament all 18 years that he's been head coach, yet they've only won the tournament once. What a loser!

#10 Georgia
Come on, it's Georgia. Everybody knows they're a regular season team. Heck, all of Georgia might as well be a regular season state, if you ask me.

#2 Virginia
Pfft, yeah right. Everybody knows virgins can't play basketball. I don't know why this state even tries. What they oughta try is gettin' laid, CAN I GET A WHAT WHAT!?

#15 Belmont
Actually, Belmont ends up winning it all. Wow! Congrats Belmont! PUT ALL YOUR MONEY ON BELMONT!