I don't usually think of myself as some kind of worldly soul, akin to an ambassador for all of life's riches. I never made it as a wise man, nor could I cut it as a poor man stealing. I have seen the future, though, and it is filled with heartbreak, broken dreams, and crying teenagers. College basketball is a fickle mistress, giving as quick as it is to take. Just ask the South Carolina men's team, who beat freakin' Big 12 champs Iowa State before losing nine of their next 12 games, and finishing the season just a game over .500.
Life isn't fair, and that goes double for basketball. So here's why every team is going to lose in this year's tournament:
Entire roster accidentally declares for the draft too early, including head coach John Calipari, who becomes the 15th coach of the Sacramento Kings in the past six years.
#16 Hampton or Manhattan
The Hampton Pirates will respectfully bow out of the tournament and admit they're not very good, due to their 16-17 record. As for the Manhattan Jaspers, they'll get lost in the forbidden tunnels of the old New York subway system, and eaten by crocodiles. What a city!
Cincinnati is bound by Ohio state law to never outshine Ohio State on a national platform. Why do you think the Bengals traded away Boomer Esiason in 1992 after having a Pro Bowl season?
Somebody from Purdue's football team accidentally touched a player from the basketball team, thus spreading the horrendous disease of sucking that currently infects Purdue football. It spreads faster than dysentery in the trenches of World War I, and is just as disgusting.
#5 West Virginia
The wild Appalachian mountain men of West Virginia hijack the team's bus on the way to the tournament, eventually turning it into a mobile moonshine distillery.
Lost on a snowy expedition through the frozen wastes of Western New York. Eventually, they resorted to eating the horses that were pulling the wagons, and later, to cannibalism.
Entire team decided to quit after other teams kept saying "Mary" was a girl's name. Kids can be so hurtful.
Invitation to tournament was accidentally sent to Valparaíso, Chile. Damn that UPS!
People were just tired of making "the Butler did it!" jokes, and I can't blame them. The school's been around since 1855, for crying out loud. That joke is literally as old as slavery.
To show solidarity with their fellow student-athletes at Texas, the basketball team wears turtlenecks during the game in homage to football coach Charlie Strong. Every player is carried off the court due to heatstroke before the end of the first half.
#3 Notre Dame
Gave up championships for Lent.
Got lost in the sea of vomit that is Boston after St. Patrick's Day.
#7 Wichita State
The Corn Rebellion of 2015 results in the state of Kansas being taken over by overgrown, genetically-modified corn raised by corporate farmers. Governor Corn declares all human participation in sports illegal. Most citizens are sentenced to death in the labor camps, as eating popcorn is punishable by death.
Somebody made the joke "Hoosiers? More like LOSE-IERS!" Entire university spontaneously burns to the ground.
Did I not discuss the Corn Rebellion earlier? I know that I'm something of a history buff, but this is important stuff, you guys. I won't turn a blind eye to the atrocities committed by the Corn Overlords of the Corndom of Cornsas, and neither should you. Also, do we really have to call it "Cornsas" now? So unoriginal. They know they can just create an entirely new name instead of making a pun, right?
#15 New Mexico State
My reaction when I heard this news:
Coach Mike Krzyzewski accidentally "Dorian Gray's" himself by looking into the his portrait as an old man, and proceeds to wither and crumble into dust. Can you believe he's 68? The guy has to dye his hair, right?
#16 North Florida or Robert Morris
The North Florida team stuffs themselves eating at a Jacksonville strip club buffet at two in the afternoon. Their head coach later marries the 3rd ugliest girl working there, Xtasia Glitter. They divorce 13 years later, when the head coach cheats with a different stripper at a different Jacksonville strip club. Robert Morris, on the other hand, loses because they're not very good. What, you ever hear of a 16-seed beating a 1-seed?
#8 San Diego State
It's permanently 70-90 degrees there year-round. Why the hell would anybody want to play basketball inside? Thus, the San Diego State men's basketball team converts to playing "sand basketball", which is actually just beach volleyball with a hoop on either side. It's not that fun, but god damn, it is gorgeous outside!
#9 St. John's
NCAA officials actually read the Bible and discover that Saint John was fervently anti-basketball, and ban the team from tournament play. It is also discovered that Saint John was opposed to fishsticks, thus ending Fishstick Fridays at the cafeteria on campus.
I dunno, something about Mormonism.
#12 Stephen F. Austin
As the crowd anxiously awaits their arrival, the sudden shatter of glass is heard. BAH GAWD THAT'S STEPHEN F. AUSTIN'S MUSIC!
The SFAU Lumberjacks then run onto the court, give the refs a Stone Cold Stunner, drink some beers, give the middle finger, then leave.
Georgetown is the king of the old guard of schools that used to be dominant in the 80s and 90s that still goes to the tournament for no apparent reason. They're not going to win anything, and even if they did, they're not interesting enough for anyone to care. Look at the past decade of Georgetown basketball:
That's quite impressive. I don't know if I've ever seen that many first- or second-round exits before!
#13 Eastern Washington
EWU couldn't afford to send their basketball team to the tournament, due to the high costs of making sure their football field is painted red year-round.
I bet you thought I was making that up, didn't you? I WASN'T.
Legendary Head Coach Larry Brown announces his retirement a day before the tournament is set to begin, ending his 47-year coaching career. Brown was quoted as saying, "Frankly, I never cared for the sport."
Same as I wrote above with Georgetown, only with warm weather and more club drugs.
#3 Iowa State
Miraculously, Iowa doesn't experience the same Corn Rebellion that Kansas did, despite having just as much corn, and just as many crazy chemicals pumping through their cornfields. In fact, Iowa State will attempt to genetically modify their players, in order to increase their talent. Unfortunately, it will result in all of their players looking like Brundlefly from the Jeff Goldblum horror/comedy/weird movie The Fly. A-like so:
Wait, UAB is keeping their basketball team but not their football team? That's just plain unfair! You wanna know why UAB is going to lose in this tournament? Karma. Bam.
Boy, you thought the experiments Iowa State did on their players was bad, you should see what happened to Iowa's players. Instead of going to genetic experiments, Iowa opted to go for cosmetic treatments and plastic surgery to make their players at least LOOK better. It doesn't work, but Junior forward Jarrod Uthoff ends up with a beautiful set of DD-size breasts. The surgeon the school hired is the best that side of the Mason-Dixon Line.
The NCAA will boot Davidson from the tournament after realizing Stephen Curry left the school for the NBA in 2009. Who's going to want to watch Davidson play? WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE RATINGS?!
Gonzaga is suspended when its discovered that David Stockton, the team's best player from the year prior and noted son of NBA legend John Stockton, never actually stopped playing for the team. No NCAA officials had noticed before because nobody knew where to find Gonzaga University on a map, so they never attended any games. Go ahead, tell me where you think Gonzaga is located. I'll wait. No Google Maps allowed, cheaters.
#15 North Dakota State
Got stuck in traffic for 284 hours. Buffalo crossing, y'know?