NFL Picks: Week 4

New York Giants @ Washington Redskins (Thursday, 8:25 pm ET)
Ol' Kissin' Cousins knows how to spread the ball around, and he does it for a fraction of the cost it would be to get RGIII to do it. Also, his legs haven't been torn to shreds by a pack of wolverines.

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Buffalo Bills @ Houston Texans (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
A spotlight game for South Carolina fans here, as Stephon Gilmore is back to being healthy on the Bills, while Johnathan Joseph and D.J. Swearinger continue to dominate the open field for Houston. Ryan Fitzpatrick's mojo seems to be running on empty, so I'll take the Bills here.

Carolina Panthers @ Baltimore Ravens (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
The Panthers front seven seems impenetrable at this stage, so don't expect the revolving door of Ravens running backs to do much damage. Instead, expect Steve Smith Sr. to go for his revenge... and get it.

Green Bay Packers @ Chicago Bears (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
The Bears keep winning games when it looks like they're going to lose, and the Packers keep losing games they could win. Hey, would you rather have bad luck or no luck at all? That's what I thought.

Detroit Lions @ New York Jets (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
Doesn't Rex Ryan seem like the kind of coach the Lions need? He can turn their hard-nosed, overly-aggressive style from making them look like jocky assholes, to making them look like lovable street toughs. They could go from being the bad guys in The Outsiders to being the good guys in The Outsiders!

Tennessee Titans @ Indianapolis Colts (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
Keep an eye out for Zach Mettenberger making his possible first appearance in this game, under center for the Titans. Also keep an eye out for him to get hit way too early and often as his career will be ruined by being put in too early.

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Miami Dolphins @ Oakland Raiders (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
Joe Philbin, the Dolphins head coach, has refused multiple times this week to endorse Ryan Tannehill as the team's quarterback for the long haul, which means we could very well get a Matt Moore sighting in this game. Meanwhile, Derek Carr continues to be blissfully unaware that he plays for the Raiders, as he refuses to have a mental breakdown while parked outside of the stadium eating chili cheese fries. Instead, he just keeps playing pretty decently.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Pittsburgh Steelers (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
TRAP GAME! ALERT! THIS IS A TRAP GAME! ALERT! THE BUCS AREN'T AS BAD AS PEOPLE THINK! ALERT! THE STEELERS AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO AVOID THE TRAP! ALERT! BEN ROETHLISBERGER WILL THROW 2 INTERCEPTIONS! ALERT!

Jacksonville Jaguars @ San Diego Chargers (Sunday, 4:05 pm ET)
Can Blake Bortles turn the Jaguars around and make them a winning team? The wet cardboard that represents his offensive line says no.

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Atlanta Falcons @ Minnesota Vikings (Sunday, 4:25 pm ET)
It seems like Matt Ryan has decided to be a good quarterback for the time being, which means the Vikings secondary could be in trouble. Fortunately for the Vikings they have Teddy Bridgewater and Matt Asiata as their starting QB-RB duo, which means we're going to get a lot of Cordarrelle Patterson gimmick plays. Also Devin Hester is happening. He will exist and do things on the field.

Philadelphia Eagles @ San Francisco 49ers (Sunday, 4:25 pm ET)
Everybody's been asking what's wrong with the Niners these days? They always seem to combust in the second half. Little does everybody know that the teams eats 20 honey baked hams during halftime for good luck. It hasn't worked yet, and I'm not surprised. I mean, it's not even something they did last season or anything!

New Orleans Saints @ Dallas Cowboys (Sunday, 8:30 pm ET)
A battle of dome teams, which means Drew Brees will play at his best, and Tony Romo will throw three interceptions. I'm just saying, if your quarterback plays in a dome and is still wildly inconsistent, it's time for him to go. There's no excuse anymore!

New England Patriots @ Kansas City Chiefs (Monday, 8:30 pm ET)
Somebody brought up Spygate to me for the first time in years, and I totally forgot how the Pats basically got away with all of that. They stole the plays from other teams! That should be, like, an automatic banishment from the league! Ah, you crazy kids. Such scamps and rascals you Patriots are.