NFL Picks: Week 3

This guy's gonna be the quarterback for the Cardinals. Drew freaking Stanton, can you believe it?! Photo by: USATSI

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Atlanta Falcons (Thursday, 8:30 pm ET)
Matt Ryan threw three interceptions last week, and I can't imagine he'll fare that much better against Lovie Smith's defense. That being said, Josh McCown is looking for the witch that gave him the magical elixer to make him a better quarterback. She told him it would last. SHE PROMISED HIM IT WOULD BE ETERNAL

San Diego Chargers @ Buffalo Bills (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
One team has a great passing game and an awful rushing game. The other has an awful passing game and a great rushing game. When it comes right down to it, though, you have to have faith in the bolo tie. 

Dallas Cowboys @ St. Louis Rams (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
Did you know that the Cowboys are second in rushing offense? That's how bad Tony Romo is. His awfulness blocks out anything that's good about the Cowboys. That, and Austin Davis might just be mediocre enough to not harm the Rams in any significant way.

Washington Redskins @ Philadelphia Eagles (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
Kirk "Kissin'" Cousins is now the QB in Washington after RGIII's latest injury, and it turns out he's pretty good! These two teams are pretty evenly matched, so I think it comes down to whoever has the ball last, and I think the Eagles can make the most of clutch situations.

Houston Texans @ New York Giants (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
DEEEEEEEEEEEEE-JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Minnesota Vikings @ New Orleans Saints (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
I fully expect the Vikings to unleash Teddy Bridgewater on the masses in order to make people forget about Adrian Peterson not playing and also beating his kid. I also fully expect the Vikings to lose because Adrian Peterson is not playing.

Tennessee Titans @ Cincinnati Bengals (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
Credit to the Titans, they're doing their damnedest to put things together, but the Bengals are just too good to give this one up. Shonn Greene is averaging 5.6 yards per carry, though, so basically anything can happen. I'm including centaurs in this. Centaurs can happen.

Baltimore Ravens @ Cleveland Browns (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
This is going to be a tough matchup, so I decided to turn to a hackneyed sports radio host for some analysis. Take it away!
"YOU are now in the ZOOOONE, with Charley and the Manatee, live on 98.5 The Zone! Johnny Football versus the Baltimore Wife-Beaters, the real question here: is Joe Flacco an elite quarterback? We'll take your calls, 843-754-ZONE, first caller is Bill from Southbridge, go ahead Bill"
...well that was regrettable. Moving on!

Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
Ugh, I hate both these teams. But I do like seeing Chubby Bro Matthew Stafford cry over his Keystone Lights. So, I'm picking the Packers. Let's get this Lions train off the tracks!

Indianapolis Colts @ Jacksonville Jaguars (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
Hey, it turns out the Jaguars are still not very good at football, but they try really hard. Chad Henne seems nice, too. The Colts have been on the precipice of victory many times, and now they seemed poised to get it in the swamps of Jacksonville.

Oakland Raiders @ New England Patriots (Sunday, 1 pm ET)
Tom Brady has been quietly mediocre by his standards, but the Raiders are in full-blown Raiders mode, so I expect no surprises in a Pats victory. Also, have you seen what Mark Davis looks like? That ginger with the bowl cut is in charge of an NFL team!

San Francisco 49ers @ Arizona Cardinals (Sunday, 4:05 pm ET)

Photo by: USATSI

The 49ers looked surprisingly incompetent in their second half against the Bears this past Sunday, and Colin Kaepernick looked bad all game long. Except with a hurt Andre Ellington, and with Drew Stanton possibly starting, I can't see the Cards putting up any points. Literally, zero points. How does Drew Stanton keep getting work anyhow?

Denver Broncos @ Seattle Seahawks (Sunday, 4:25 pm ET)
Oh come on, like you wouldn't want to see a hilarious replay of the Super Bowl, where the Broncos just get murdered again? I'd pay to see that. I'd pay American currency to see that. That being said, the Seahawks will have to put up points in a traditional way in addition to their defense and special teams if they want to win this one, and with Denver's improved defense, I'm not sure that'll happen. I still think the 'Hawks are in the heads of the Broncos, so I'd lean towards them winning until I see different.

Kansas City Chiefs @ Miami Dolphins (Sunday, 4:25 pm ET)
It's Lamar Miller versus Knile Davis in a "well now my fantasy team is screwed" faceoff! Knowshon? Know-way! Jamaal Charles? You better "caal" your bookie, and tell him to not bet on this game! Ugh, I'm so sorry. I got the Chiefs in this one.

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Carolina Panthers (Sunday, 8:30 pm ET)
Riverboat Ron is back, and he's sailing on the seas of "Great Defense". Also, Cam Newton is still a good quarterback, even though he can't run as well. Meanwhile, Ben Roethlisberger has a giant potato for a head. I gotta believe that hinders his play.

Chicago Bears @ New York Jets (Monday, 8:30 pm ET)

The Bears have found a winning strategy, and that strategy seems to be not being horrible on defense, and getting in the endzone on offense. Man, that's some really outside-the-box thinking, but it's been proven to work. I guess I'm just old-fashioned. You know who else is old-fashioned? Geno Smith. He lives in an Amish community during his offseason. Is that true? Well, the Amish ain't ever gonna find out.