Liveblogging the 2012 USC-Vanderbilt Game

I don’t like Vanderbilt. It’s plain and simple, laid out for y’all just like that. I don’t like Vandy, I don’t trust Vandy, and I can never be comfortable around Vandy. So many games against Vanderbilt that should have been cakewalks turned into dogfights. The kind of games that made me go from biting my nails to chewing down to my bones. So of course, just for you, I’ll be watching my least favorite USC-Vanderbilt game, from 2012. Let’s get this over with. Follow along as always with this handy-dandy Youtube video!

:15 “…stability and optimism behind second-year coach James Franklin…” Ah, those were simpler times, weren’t they Vandy fans? Now he’s up in Happy Valley, and you’re down in, uh, Loser Lake. Yeah.

1:44 A riding solo Rece Davis informs us that Vanderbilt isn’t the “punching bag of the SEC anymore. Now they’re ready to punch back.” Much like a boxer who’s taken too many blows to the head, I must’ve forgotten when exactly Vanderbilt won an SEC title. Can someone remind me? (Aw hell, maybe I shouldn’t throw stones regarding who has and hasn’t won an SEC title, but it’s too damn fun)

2:41 David Pollack looks like he took the wrong mix of pills and uppers before this game. Jesse Palmer just looks ashamed.

"Oh god, what am I doing here?"

3:30 Jesse Palmer keeps calling touchdowns “house calls”. That’s a sometimes-food, Jesse.

4:27 Hey, Dr. Lou Holtz! I heard he got his bachelors in Slobbermouth, with a doctorate in Hating Mark May. That’s actually not that hard to study for, just listen to anything that idiot has to say, and you’ll learn how to hate him pretty quick.

6:40 This was the first year of the new kickoff rule, where teams kick off from the 35, while the other team, upon a touchback, would start from the 25. I have mixed feelings about the rule, especially because I don’t think there’s a play more exciting than a kickoff return for a touchdown, but I also understand the safety concerns. Having guys run as fast as they can colliding into one another is juuuuust a little too stupidly barbaric for me.

7:50 Rece mentions that in the previous year’s USC-Vandy game, Vanderbilt only had 4 total yards rushing. Why aren’t I watching that game? Because I can’t find it on Youtube. Sigh.

8:47 Vanderbilt’s impact players, including future St. Louis Rams legend Zac Stacy!

A terrible trio if I've ever seen one.

9:55 Wesley Tate, Golden Tate’s little brother, gets his first carry. What kind of parents name one kid “Golden” and the other “Wesley”? The short answer is asshole parents, of course.

11:30 Referee follies! The refs are using “experimental” headset technology, which is obviously causing some problems, since none of the refs seem to know what’s going on. Rece makes a replacement refs joke, which was topical at the time. 

16:15 On the first play of South Carolina’s first drive, Marcus Lattimore fumbles away the ball. It was his first game back from his first major injury, so it’s forgivable. This is the stuff I’m talking about with Vandy games, though. So many guys just play out-of-character for them, and make weird mistakes they either rarely or never make. Stupid Vanderbilt.

20:23 Cutthroat Clowney in the house!

He's doing that thing, just like The Undertaker does!

23:40 Interception thrown by Connor Shaw? Huh? Oh right, this is early junior-year Shaw, when watching his passing still made me weep and beg for mercy. Fun fact, kids: it doesn’t get much better in this game.

27:42 Here’s Vanderbilt’s famous “Baseball Glove Lounge”. It’s called this because it has a chair that looks like a baseball glove.

BOOOOOOOOOOOO

I hate Vanderbilt

28:06 Shaq Wilson interception! He just jumped out of nowhere, snagged the ball, and ran like lightning.

29:22 Marcus gets his first carry since the fumble, and pops off a sweet run for the touchdown! The man runs like warm butter is cut: smoooooooth

30:07 The kicker of the day: Adam Yates. I feel like I keep finding new kickers I forgot about in these liveblogs.

37:05 Jesse Palmer says there’s a “ginormous” difference in the height differential between the departed Alshon Jeffery and the remaining receiving core of Ace Sanders, Bruce Ellington, Damiere Byrd, and Nick Jones. David Pollack wonders what the definition of “ginormous” is. Jesse responds, “Uh, big.”

41:36 In case you were wondering how the South Carolina run game was progressing…

Yeah, seems about right.

…doin’ peachy!

48:54 Adam Yates kicks his first field goal, and once again we see some unintentional racism from white fans painting themselves black. Don’t do it, white people. It’s not going to look good, no matter what.

#StopWhitePeople2k14

51:25 Jordan to Jordan! Rodgers hooks up with Matthews for a 78-yard stunner that puts Vandy back in the game. Apparently it’s Jordan Rodgers’ birthday, so we get the requisite awful joke from Rece about “birthday gifts” or some inanity.

54:15 Great, now David Pollack is calling the endzone “the house”. Jesse, your overuse of Jock-Jams-friendly catchphrases has resulted in nothing but pain!

1:01:22 Vandy kicks a field goal to tie the game up, and in case that didn’t make you sick, here’s some hideous children from Middle-of-Nowhere, Tennessee. Thanks for making something awful even worse, ESPN.

Row after row of ugly, ugly children.

You gonna tell me this kid ain’t dopin’? You’re living in the same fantasy world inhabited by Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire! Look at what’s in front of you, the kid is jacked out of his mind! He's like a 12-years old Scott Steiner.

1:11:23 Samantha Steele is apparently quite a petite person. Either that, or she has a garbage cameraman who doesn’t know what the word “framing” mean. Go back to UCLA, ya film-school dropout!

She so tiny! Like a compact Erin Andrews.

1:19:15 We mercifully reach halftime, but not before we get us some Head Ball Coach.

Well I told ya my teeth were Chiclets!

Ah, there’s the money shot. Just stare into those eyes. Or those teeth.

1:20:20 Returning from the half, we find that Connor Shaw’s shoulder injury will still keep him out, which means we get some sophomore Dylan Dog! He throws two incomplete passes and gets sacked. Hooray!

1:28:47 Connie’s back! AND HE WANTS REVENGE

Somebody get this guy a kevlar vest. He's gonna hurt himself.

Also, Rece infers that South Carolina’s medical staff performed less-than-scrupulous activities to get Connor Shaw back to full health, by saying “they got a little magic back in the locker room sometimes to help you move that arm better.” First of all, shut up Rece. Second of all, this is just what Connor Shaw does. He runs a lot, he takes hits, then he comes back. He is not human.

1:39:44 Vanderbilt kicks a field goal, and now have the lead in this incredibly excruciatingly boring game. God willing, that won’t be the case this Saturday, either the Vandy leading part or the boring part.

1:48:15 Ah, finally we get Jesse Palmer spouting off god-knows-what about how Jordan Rodgers can call his big brother Aaron every night, and “they’re speaking the same language”. Ooh, how about the fact that James Franklin was the quarterbacks coach for Green Bay back in 2005? Conspiracy theory!

1:58:50 Seth Strickland makes his first appearance after Connor Shaw gets shaken up. Guess Dylan couldn’t find his helmet in time. Maybe if he actually used his cubby outside of the classroom this wouldn’t be a problem.

No thanks, Seth. I don't need any of what you're sellin'.

1:59:20 Marcus Lattimore rushes for his second touchdown on the one-yard line, and Rece informs us that “Ol’ Cocky’s back on top”. Thanks Rece. Thanks for being the worst.

2:08:49 With so much of Marcus running the ball, Jesse comments “This is nothing like the football I used to play in Gainesville!” Well, Jesse, not every quarterback can be on The Bachelor and have frosted tips, either. Easy on the hair gel, is what I’m saying.

2:09:50 Seth Strickland throws the ball for some god-forsaken reason, and Lattimore gets his head knocked clean off. Not literally, just the helmet. God, could you imagine, though? His body would just be a gusher, like something out of a Tarantino movie!

2:19:15 Jordan Rodgers takes one last crack on a fourth down to pass to Jordan Matthews, and it probably would have been completed, had it not been for DJ Swearinger’s uncalled pass interference. Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good, though. Don’t believe me? Look for yourselves:

"We're buddies on the field trip, Jordan. We're supposed to hold hands!"

That pretty much wraps up this snoozefest. Seriously, it might be a nice blowout in Nashville this Saturday, but if it’s anything like this game, you can catch me catching Z’s on the sidelines. Or rather, since I’ll be handling the @GamecockCereal account, tweeting some Z’s.