California @ Southern Cal, Thursday, 9 pm: Did you realize Cody Kessler has thrown 25 touchdowns and only two INTs while completing 70% of his passes? I think he's good, you guys.
#8 Ohio State @ #25 Minnesota, Saturday, Noon: JT Barrett has gone from temp. replacement for Braxton Miller to creating rumors that Braxton is going to transfer. That's Heisman-worthy.
#19 Clemson @ #22 Georgia Tech, Saturday, Noon: ACC football, where conference wins prove nothing and conference losses prove just how terrible you are. This is where Clemson thrives.
Virginia Tech @ #21 Duke, Saturday, Noon: Since beating Ohio State, Virginia Tech has lost five of its last seven in either heartbreaking or hideous fashion. Again, ACC football.
Temple @ Penn State, Saturday, Noon: Losing to Temple means putting a bullet in your season (ask Vandy or ECU), but since Penn State is already dead, this game is pointless.
Iowa @ Illinois, Saturday, Noon: No, oh god, no, please. Please, no, not the eyes! I... I don't want to watch this, please! Oh god, oh Jesus, have mercy! AH! AUGH! AHHHHHHH!
Eastern Michigan @ Western Michigan, Saturday, 2 pm: If you're watching this game, either you're an alum of one of these schools, or you have the worst gambling problem ever and bet this game.
Rice @ Marshall, Saturday, 2:30 pm: MU is one of 3 undefeated teams in the country, & they aren't even ranked. Rakeem Cato is the Moses of Conference USA. "Let my wins matter!"
#4 TCU @ Kansas, Saturday, 3 pm: I'm almost 100% positive Kansas FB is what caused the dust storms at the beginning of Interstellar. Why not shoot them into a black hole?
#1 Mississippi State @ #5 Alabama, Saturday, 3:30 pm: Bama is favored by eight, according to most gambling sites, which means we could be set for more boring Saban post-game "joy". Stupid robot.
Washington @ #14 Arizona, Saturday, 3:30 pm: One state's known for legalizing weed, another is known for trying to criminalize Mexicans. It's the football equivalent of a CNN panel.
#16 Nebraska @ #20 Wisconsin, Saturday, 3:30 pm: There's a very good chance that both teams show up wearing basically the same uniform, head to toe. Red and white is simply too common.
Northwestern @ #18 Notre Dame, Saturday, 3:30 pm: Ah, two teams from the midwest who weren't as good as we thought. Seriously, Notre Dame should just join the Big Ten. They'd fit right in.
Oklahoma @ Texas Tech, Saturday, 3:30 pm: Doesn't this feel like a game that we want to be good, but won't be? How can such a handsome man like Kliff Kingsbury coach such a bad team?
Kentucky @ Tennessee, Saturday, 4 pm: I've dubbed this the Bourbon Bowl. The trophy's a jug of hooch, and the winners get to live in the mountains with their cousin of choice.
#23 Utah @ Stanford, Saturday, 6 pm: Stanford isn't good anymore. It was fun while it lasted. At least we got Andrew Luck, Jim Harbaugh, and a couple other NFL guys outta it!
#9 Auburn @ #15 Georgia, Saturday, 7:15 pm: Seriously, how is Georgia still ranked? Fifteenth, no less! Anyways Todd Gurley is back, presumably to watch Nick Chubb like the rest of us.
Missouri @ #24 Texas A&M, Saturday, 7:30 pm: Hey, Texas A&M is back! Those guys are always fun to watch. Now watch them lose to Mizzou while Maty Mauk throws 3 INTs and fumbles twice.
Texas @ Oklahoma State, Saturday, 7:30 pm: There was a time in history when this game would've been a must-watch. That time is not now. There's only Charlie Strong's turtlenecks, now.
#3 Florida State @ Miami (FL), Saturday, 8 pm: I'm doing a better job of targeting my hate towards Jameis Winston instead of FSU as a whole. I want to see him, and only him, get destroyed
#12 Michigan State @ Maryland, Saturday, 8 pm: MSU is coming off a loss to Ohio State which means they're looking for a team to take out their frustrations on. Cue up terrible B1G teams!