Indianapolis @ Houston, Thursday, 8:25 pm
My boy and yours, Deeeeeeeeeejay Swearinger, gets to do battle with Reggie Wayne and Andrew Luck. What sort of freakish activity will J.J. Watt be able to perform? My gut says forcing a fumble while riding a unicycle. I'm callin' it!
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland, Sunday, 1:00 pm
It's a competition between which team is more "blue-collar" and better represents the economically depressed small towns surrounding their cities. The over/under for "number of times Ben Roethlisberger will stare at the cheerleaders before reminding himself that he's in public" is 12.5.
Green Bay at Miami, Sunday, 1:00 pm
Ryan Tannehill is coming off a job-saving performance against the Raiders, and seems poised to have his job once again unfairly called into question against a Packers team that's found its footing once more. If he can avoid throwing a pick-six to 43-year old Julius Peppers, though, he may escape unhumiliated.
Jacksonville at Tennessee, Sunday, 1:00 pm
Poor Blake Bortles. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve any of this. But, the Titans are just bad enough that he might not end up staring blankly at his locker, wondering what he got himself into. Never before has someone wished they were back in Orlando this badly.
Carolina at Cincinnati, Sunday, 1:00 pm
Urban Meyer recently said that he counts Cam Newton as a "product of his offense". Now I know Cam was originally at Florida, but I don't think giving Tim Tebow a ride to bible study counts as studying under an offense.
Detroit at Minnesota, Sunday, 1:00 pm
Teddy Bridgewater says he'll be at full health for Sunday's game, which means we don't get to see more of the wacky adventures of Christian Ponder, human tire fire, as he tries to play football.
Baltimore at Tampa Bay, Sunday, 1:00 pm
Mike Glennon has looked very impressive in reclaiming the starting role for the Bucs. The Ravens have looked very impressive at making us all pay attention to Adrian Peterson instead of Ray Rice or the front office's shady dealings. Good work, boys!
New England at Buffalo, Sunday, 1:00 pm
Buffalo! Orton! Defense! The Bills are number one in the AFC East, thanks to no longer playing EJ Manuel. Are there other factors at play? Of course! Am I going to mention them? Of course not! I have a narrative, and I'm sticking to it. Just like major media outlets taught me.
Denver at N.Y. Jets, Sunday, 1:00 pm
There are few pleasures greater in life than seeing Peyton Manning annihilate a crappy team, especially when said crappy team has ungrateful fans who don't understand how to have reasonable expectations from Geno Smith. It's your own fault! You know what Geno can and can't do! Ya should've prepared yourselves, Jets fans.
San Diego at Oakland, Sunday, 4:05 pm
Oakland is in full Oakland mode, and I don't really know if they're going to win a game this season. They're certainly not going to stop Philip Rivers. Damn, I don't know if they can even stop Stephen Rivers with this kind of play.
Chicago at Atlanta, Sunday, 4:25 pm
Smokin' Jay versus Matty Ice. Are there two more unpredictable quarterbacks with fanbases that are either in love with them or want to murder them on any given day? The answer is yes, Tony Romo on the Cowboys.
Dallas at Seattle, Sunday, 4:25 pm
The Cowboys seem to be actually, actually good this year. Which makes this game against Seattle all the more foretelling. If Romo can throw one interception or less, then win or lose, it's a success. If they run into the buzzsaw, then oh lord watch the guts fly. It's going to be entertaining either way!
Washington at Arizona, Sunday, 4:25 pm
Kirk Cousins managed to avoid the buzzsaw in Washington's loss to Seattle, but Arizona provides another tough defense for the young man to overcome. Also Logan Thomas is starting for the Cardinals, so I'm pretty excited for some bad QB comedy there.
N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia, Sunday, 8:30 pm
Somewhere out there, lurking in the shadows of a run down bar on the outskirts of Albany, New York, there is a Giants fan who swears Eli Manning is "back." DON'T BELIEVE HIM. DISENGAGE. IMMEDIATELY VACATE THE AREA. SEND IN THE HAZMAT CREW.
San Francisco at St. Louis, Monday, 8:30 pm
I just don't like Colin Kaepernick. But maybe Bruce Ellington will get return a punt or a kick for a touchdown! Hooray!