With the emergence of the twin Mississippi powers, the hodgepodge of 3- and 4-win teams, and possibly the worst Vanderbilt team ever, the SEC has never been more jam-packed with characters. When trying to explain this to college football outsiders, it can be difficult to make people understand why the SEC is so special, and what really separates these teams from one another. So why not at least try to explain it in the most disgustingly delicious way possible: with fast food!
The Subway backlash has begun to quietly bubble up, but people still keep singing that damn song about the Five Dollar Footlongs. Whenever the national title picture is brought up, so is Alabama. Similarly, if you want a sub sandwich, your go-to is Subway, and for good reason! You get to put whatever you want on your sandwich, you have lots of bread choices, and it is relatively healthy for you. With Alabama, you get to see a unique offense, an intelligent coach at work, and ultimately an awesome collection of five- and four-star talents. I get it, none of the athletes in those Subway ads can act, and that's annoying, but those sammies are just too dang good.
Chik-Fil-A does one thing really, really well: chicken. Similarly, Arkansas does one thing really well: run the ball. You don't go to Chik-Fil-A for a burger and you don't go to Arkansas for the West Coast offense. Regardless of how well they master their one field of expertise, there's still a major flaw: Arkansas can't seem to close out games (or win a significant amount), and Chik-Fil-A is closed on Sundays.
Auburn: Burger King
BK is the master of having their most delicious foods be available for only a limited time. Chicken fries? Limited time. BBQ Bacon Ranch Burger? Limited time. Similarly, Auburn seems to have its best years in small spurts. They were practically invisible after Cam Newton left, so bad to the point that Auburn fired Gene Chizik, the coach that won them a national championship two years prior! Auburn seems to have it together for now, but what awaits them when this team graduates or declares for the draft? Time will tell if they can still have delicious food on the menu for a reasonable price.
What happened to you, Florida? I remember as a kid, going to the mall was awesome. There were toy stores and Hot Topics and Cinnabon, and maybe you'd get to eat at Sbarro! Oh man their pizza slices were huge! Now? Disgusting. Sbarro is immediate grounds for making me sick, and it's no surprise they declared for bankruptcy earlier this year. I yearn for the days when I had easy access to a pizza-by-the-slice chain. Now? It just makes me sad and sick.
So close, yet so far. Domino's wanted to get itself back on the map with its new crust and an upgrade to certain menu items, like adding wings and pasta. The problem is, I think it sucks more now than it ever did before. Mark Richt kept getting Georgia so close to breaking through, but instead here they are, pinning their hopes on a running back who isn't eligible to play currently and a quarterback named Hutson. Also their defense keeps ending up in the back of a squad car, so maybe Georgia needs to take a look in the mirror. Maybe Domino's needs to reevaluate its marketing choices.
Hey, do you like Kentucky basketball? Well good news, they have a football team too! Do you like A&W root beer? Well good news, they have fast food restaurants too! They're pretty "meh", but they exist!
Every frickin' year, Les Miles makes something of this team. How? LSU is arguably a straight-up not good team this year, and here they are ranked at #24 in the polls. Every time you get a fast food craving, or need to stop for food on a road trip, you somehow keep ending up at McDonald's. Is it the best? Heck no at all! They arguably don't have the best of any kind of food at all, but here you are, eating the McNuggets made of chicken beaks because you didn't have time to make a good decision. You were hungry, McDonald's was there, thus McDonald's was consumed.
Mississippi State: Cookout
Ah, the hidden gem nobody saw coming. Cookout is super clutch with its five buck trays (one entree, two sides and a considerable-sized drink), which makes me wonder why it's not more popular. Coming down to the south was the first time I ever encountered a Cookout, and I've been wondering where it's been all my life. Where has Dak Prescott been my whole life? Where has Mississippi State's defense been my whole life? Will it always be this good? Will Cookout always be delicious at a reasonable price?
You could have had it all. You had funny commercials, delicious toasted subs, and locations across the US. Now? You're declaring bankruptcy because your best quarterback is Maty Mauk and your best wide receiver left town. Maybe Missouri will make the comeback again, but not for a while.
Ole Miss: Hardee's
Yeah yeah, you have a Red Burrito in there, cool. Nobody cares. People want the fat burgers and the chicken strips. Yes, Ole Miss, you have Bo Wallace, and he can throw really far. Good for him. But let's not kid ourselves, the defense is your bread and butter. Don't try to get cute.
South Carolina: Arby's
Easily forgotten is Arby's. Sure, they make a pretty good beef 'n' cheddar sammich, and the curly fries are tasty, but what lurks beyond the usual fare? And what quality is the roast beef, anyhow? Have you dared to try their mozzarella sticks? Or their turnovers? Or their breakfast menu?! You're better off with the simple stuff. Just enjoy the run game when it appears and pray the defense gets better. Don't think too deeply about this stuff, it'll just hurt your head.
Tennessee: Long John Silvers
They have the market cornered more or less in terms of having fast food fish, and nobody could care less. It's gross. Nobody cares about Peyton Manning anymore, Tennessee, you actually have to win games. Tyler Bray isn't walking through that door!
Texas A&M: Panda Express
So many choices! So many bold flavors and unique choices! What an amazing offense! Kenny Hill can really throw it, but his receivers are the really talented guys. I can watch Texas A&M's offense all day, similar to the fact that I could eat Panda Bowl after Panda Bowl of orange chicken. But uh oh, here comes the defense! And also my diarrhea.
Vanderbilt: The dumpster behind a Little Caesars
Once, I knew a guy who had sex with three girls behind a Little Caesars. I have no other connection to this but to say that Vanderbilt is garbage on top of garbage. It's the garbage's garbage.