NFL Quarterback Preview: Week Eight

Thursday, 8:25 PM
San Diego at Denver: Well, well, well, look who it is! If it isn't ol' Peyton Record Breaker. Hey PRB, just where the hell do you get off breaking all those records? You think you can just waltz into an FYE or a Virgin Megastore and just start breaking records? Records ain't for breakin', they're for listenin' to! And maybe, if you're a DJ, you can scratch 'em up, but otherwise, you're just a stone cold bastard. I'm talkin' about you, Manning! 

Sunday, 9:30 AM
Detroit at Atlanta: God, this is the game we gave to London? Matty Ice on the downswing and Matthew Stafford likely without Calvin Johnson? We owe the queen an apology after this one. Or at least, now we're even for World War II.

Sunday, 1:00 PM
Baltimore at Cincinnati: My favorite thing about young-ish quarterbacks who are pretty good is thinking about where they're going to be in seven-to-ten years. What's the next chapter for these two guys? I bet nobody expected Carson Palmer to end up quarterbacking for the Raiders and Cardinals and becoming the grizzled-ish veteran on mediocre teams. Oh man, I just realized I have a lot more thoughts about this than I realized. I'll follow up in the Philly-Arizona section.

Houston at Tennessee: Charlie Whitehurst and Ryan Fitzpatrick are still quarterbacking their respective teams despite young backup quarterbacks waiting in the wings. Guys like Whitey and Fitzy are not permanent solutions. Tennessee is waiting for Jake Locker to get healthy and teasing us all with Zach Mettenberger, and the Texans are biding their time with getting Ryan Mallett ready and letting Tom Savage incubate in a giant egg. Basically don't expect this game to be a shootout. It'd be hilarious if it was, though.

St. Louis at Kansas City: Austin Davis led the Rams to an amazing win over the defending Super Bowl champs, so I think I'm ready to dub him the future of the franchise and the greatest quarterback who ever lived. Sound good to y'all? Great. Austin Davis for emperor of the galaxy. Ooh, now I wonder what's going to happen to Sam Bradford. Talk about a guy who's going to have a weird second half of his career. 

Chicago at New England: Ah, a tale of two quarterbacks misrepresented at every turn. Tom Brady, the still-good quarterback who is a far cry from the perfection he is still made out to be, and Jay Cutler, the supposed ne'er do well with possibly his last chance to get this offense to reach its full potential. Neither of these teams are as good or as bad as you think they are.

Buffalo at NY Jets: No, no, no. Don't. Just don't. Don't watch this game, don't talk about this game, don't even let yourself even have players from either of these teams on your fantasy roster. You don't want none of this.

Minnesota at Tampa Bay: If Teddy Bridgewater and Mike Glennon don't combine for at least 124 pass attempts in this game, I'm going to be really disappointed. Come on, wouldn't it be fun to just see a game where no run plays are called? KEEP THROWIN' THAT BALL DAMMIT!

Seattle at Carolina: Two staunch defenses with mobile quarterbacks that should be performing better this season. Not the quarterbacks as much as the entire teams. Both teams need this win to get their seasons back on track. Too bad they have to face each other, am I right? Either way, that means we're going to get a hyper-competitve game with a lot of risk-taking and a fourth quarter for the century. May the football gods bless your TVs.

Miami at Jacksonville: Ew, gross! 

Sunday, 4:05 PM
Philadelphia at Arizona: Okay, now think about Carson Palmer in 2002. Number one pick in the NFL draft, future greatest quarterback ever, and the guy who was going to win the still god-awful Bengals a Super Bowl. Now here he is, best option for a team with no quarterback to groom, unless you count Logan Thomas (I don't), who's relied on not to win games, but just to keep the offense steady. Wild, man.

Sunday, 4:25 PM
Oakland at Cleveland: Brian Hoyer was under center when the Browns lost to the Jags, which is automatic grounds for high treason. Surely any quarterback who has a bad game against the Jags must have sabotaged his team! Check his gambling debts! Who does he owe favors to?! I want answers, Hoyer, and I want them now!

Indianapolis at Pittsburgh: Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another thrilling evening of sports entertainment here at Heinz Field. Tonight, in our main event, it's a matchup you've all been dying to see. In one corner, the Stanford Slinger, the Bearded Bomber, the Human Four-Leaf Clover, Andrew "the Giant" Luck! And his opponent, the two-time Super Bowl champion, the Redhawks Rapist, Mr. Potato Head himself, Big Ben Roethlisberger!

Sunday, 8:30 PM
Green Bay at New Orleans: The guy who does State Farm commercials versus the guy who does Wrangler commercials. With their wealth combined, the could buy any Central American country they wanted. I hear Panama is wonderful this time of year. Or filled with drug cartels, I forget. Maybe both!

Monday, 8:30 PM
Washington at Dallas: Is it Thanksgiving already? Well, it is for Colt McCoy, who is going to start this game for Washington after going 11-of-12 for 128 yards and a touchdown in relief of Kirk Cousins. Yeah, really, he was that good. I can't believe it either.