I keep renaming this article, but I don't care. Since we live in the year 2146, exposure to nuclear fallout has made all of our brains massive, and we've all been blessed with psychic abilities. Therefore you can read my mind, and you already know what I'm going to write about in this article, and you know what I meant with that particular title. Hell, this introductory paragraph wasn't even necessary. That's how incredibly psychic we all are.
Thursday, 8:25 pm
New York Jets @ New England Patriots: Guys, did you hear? Tom Brady is back! Tom Brady is back from the horrible pit of despair he was so obviously in, and has returned to being the greatest, most prettiest quarterback who ever lived. The world is blessed by his presence. Meanwhile, Geno Smith is getting spat on by Jets fans at least 14 times a day. Even by his own entourage, his own teammates, everybody is spitting on Geno Smith. People act like they hate Geno Smith, but let's get real: they just hate their lives. They're Jets fans after all.
Sunday, 1 pm
Minnesota Vikings @ Buffalo Bills: Kyle Orton, savior of the Buffalo Bills, has turned from a gag into something kinda worth noting. Say what you want about the Bills awful treatment of EJ Manuel, Orton has played his tail off in the past two games, throwing for over 600 total yards, completing over 66% of his passes, and throwing three touchdowns to two interceptions. It's not uncommon to see Orton throw for such accurate numbers and have his yards-per-game hover around 300 yards, but the problem is the shoe always drops, and he doesn't have the high peak performance that other hot-n-cold quarterbacks like Tony Romo, Eli Manning, or Jay Cutler have. Orton is the definition of stable and slightly above average... most of the time. Usually. On occasion.
Meanwhile, things have been rough for Teddy Bridgewater in Minnesota. He showed plenty of flashes in his first start, but after missing a game with an ankle injury and throwing three interceptions in his return game, it's clear that he needs a team with more stability than the Vikings can provide. Perhaps if Adrian Peterson hadn't beaten his child, he'd have a more potent run offense to turn to for help setting up the pass. Alas, he's stuck with Matt Asiata and Joe Banyard.
Atlanta Falcons @ Baltimore Ravens: "Joe Flacco, Elite Quarterback" has returned to the mainstream conversation, and not in a joking way. A five-touchdown performance, albeit against a beyond struggling Bucs team, is quite noteworthy. Frankly though, at this point, it needs to start being closer to the norm. Not necessarily five touchdowns a game, of course, but how about three? Flacco has Steve Smith, Torrey Smith, Owen Daniels, Dennis Pitta, Jacoby Jones, and notorious receiving halfback Justin Forsett at his disposal. He's not hurtin' for sure hands on that squad.
Matty Ice has been as unpredictable as ever, unfortunately. He's played brilliantly against division rivals in the Saints and Bucs, and mediocre-to-bad against everybody else. He's thrown a touchdown and a pick in each of his last two games, both losses, and accuracy remains an issue. Relying on such a high-volume quarterback is risky, and while he's thrown for three touchdowns three times this season, all those games were in domes, (home against Tampa Bay and New Orleans, on the road versus Minnesota, a loss by the way), and October in Baltimore is not likely to be balmy by any means.
Cleveland Browns @ Jacksonville Jaguars: Brian Hoyer has done the unthinkable in making people forget about Johnny Manziel, however briefly. A big part of that has been not screwing up. A fun fact about Cleveland Browns fans: they don't care at all about big names. Not even a little bit. They just want to have a good team so damn badly. It's actually kind of sad. As for what Jacksonville Jaguars fans want, I couldn't tell ya. I guess they want the team to be good, and for Blake Bortles to be amazing. There's so many rumors swirling the Jaguars at this point about their future, and whether or not they stay in Cleveland, it has to be hard to not be listless as a Jags fan. It doesn't help in the slightest that Blake Bortles is getting murdered every time a defender breaks through the wet toilet paper of an offensive line. It's not fair to the young man to let him suffer like that, but the Jaguars must feel they have nothing left to lose, and I can't blame them for feeling that way.
Carolina Panthers @ Green Bay Packers: Mmm. MMMMM. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMY OH MY WHAT A GAME THIS WILL BE. So delicious. Cam Newton is no longer afraid to run, and has been playing mistake-free football. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers is going to be named as the MVP of the league at this rate. He's thrown zero interceptions in the past five games, in four of which he threw three or more touchdowns. This is pretty much QB heaven for anybody with at least a single undamaged eye, and it'll probably be pretty fun to listen to on the radio even if you are blind. And if you're deaf and blind, then I don't think this article is going to be consumed by you anyways. I'M IN THE DAAAAAARK HERE!
Chris O'Donnell is such a terrible actor, you guys.
Miami Dolphins @ Chicago Bears: Jay Cutler takes a soft drag of his cigarette, the sounds of Michael McDonald's fingers gently tapping on the keys of a piano flowing through his ears. "What a Fool Believes", eh? Perhaps that's who he was once upon a time. He thought he could throw his problems away, maybe even into the next county over. That's what he tried to do in Pop Warner, on JV, Varsity, Vanderbilt, Denver, and even in those first couple years in Chicago. Every time he held the ball in his hands, it shook. Not his hands, mind you. The ball shook, like a quivering time bomb, set to explode at any minute, and it would be Jay's fault. He knew it would be his fault. He's the quarterback. Wasn't that his job? To take the blame?
He never felt comfortable around Coach Smith. The husky defensive-minded gentleman from Texas didn't have time for panic. He didn't have time for emotion. Coach Trestman is different. Sure, he's not the most emotional man, either, but at least he understands. He offered his shoulder, covered in the warmth of a crew-neck sweater, for Jay to cry on. For Jay to talk to. For Jay to confront his fears. It's so different now. Now he loves that ball. He loves to share the ball, not throw the burden away. Jay was a part of a team, one that he was proud to lead.
There's nothing to fear now. Afraid of playing a game he loves? That's what a fool believes.
Cincinnati Bengals @ Indianapolis Colts: Alright fans, we have a terrific match lined up for you tonight in our main event, a clash between two magnificent young quarterbacks. On one side, the baby-faced boy with the big bucks, the TCU Touchdown Machine, The Red Rocket himself Andy "Duelin'" Dalton! His opponent, the chosen one, the man who has followed in the footsteps of Peyton Manning with ease, the Baritone Bomber himself, of course I'm talking about Andrew "The Giant" Luck! It's a no-holds barred slugfest right here in Madison Square Garden in a cross-divisional match for the ages. Who will triumph? Only these two men and their cannon arms can provide the answer!
New Orleans Saints @ Detroit Lions: Matthew Stafford is still a chunky bro, but I'll be dadgummed if he and his girlfriend ain't cute as a couple honeybees on a daisy.
Boyfriends take note, am I right?
Seattle Seahawks @ St. Louis Rams: WARNING! WARNING! EVERYBODY IS PANICKING ABOUT SEATTLE'S OFFENSE! WHY AREN'T YOU PANICKING ABOUT SEATTLE'S OFFENSE?! Is it because prior to last week's game, Russell Wilson had thrown two touchdowns in every single game? Is it because Marshawn Lynch is still averaging 4.7 yards per carry? Those are good reasons, especially because Russell Wilson is also rushing like a madman. You guys know he was the quarterback for the same team last year, right? The team that won the Super Bowl? Yeah.
Meanwhile, Austin Davis still hasn't burst into dust on the Rams, so that's something. He's actually played decently, throwing seven touchdowns to four interceptions, including a pair of three touchdown games. Against a defense like Seattle's though? Nah, he's gonna get murdered. Murdered by interceptions.
Tennessee Titans @ Washington Redskins: You wanna be the quarterback for the Tennessee Titans? No? Yeah, neither do I. Thing is, they have Charlie Whitehurst, and I mean... well, you already know. The guy's terrible, right? I can't believe they're not playing Zach Mettenberger. I know, he's another rookie on a bad team. Totally a recipe for a thousand sacks, but I mean, come on. He's gotta be better than Whitehurst, right? Right?
Kirk Cousins, meanwhile, is Kirk Cousins. He throws a lot, makes plenty of bad decisions, but... did I mention how much he likes to throw? He's kinda like Dylan Thompson if Dylan couldn't run at all. Oh god, is Dylan Thompson destined to be the Kirk Cousins to Tajh Boyd's Robert Griffin III in the FXFL? I don't know if that's a thing I want or a thing I dread. Oy.
Sunday, 4:05 pm
Kansas City Chiefs @ San Diego Chargers: Seriously, who's whiter, Alex Smith or Phillip Rivers? Alex Smith did go to Utah, one of the whitest states in the USA, but Phillip Rivers owns a bolo tie. Also his brother is a quarterback at Vanderbilt. I think I have to give the edge to Rivers on this one, you guys.
Sunday, 4:25 pm
New York Giants @ Dallas Cowboys: Eli Manning couldn't put up a single point on the Eagles, one of the worst defenses in the league. Tony Romo, meanwhile, has the Cowboys talking Super Bowl. I'm watching this game just for the purposes of comedy. One of these quarterbacks has to lose, and I guarantee you they're going to do it in spectacular fashion. Expect Eli Manning to get doused in gasoline at one point. Not even to be set on fire, just to run around covered in gasoline.
Arizona Cardinals @ Oakland Raiders
Carson Palmer against (one of) his old teams! Call me crazy, I don't think there's a lot of animosity here. How does one even feel after playing on the Raiders? History tends to forget certain quarterbacks even played on the Raiders. Kerry Collins? Daunte Culpepper? Aaron Brooks? Yeah, Aaron Brooks started eight games for the Raiders. EIGHT! I'm not done either. Kyle Boller, Jason Campbell, Charlie Frye... okay, woah. I had to stop myself. Once you go Frye, you're going to far. Even though everything goes great with Frye.
Sunday, 8:30 pm
San Francisco 49ers @ Denver Broncos: Somewhere there is an old, white sportswriter resisting the powerful temptation to write some sort of backhanded article, where he gushes all over Peyton Manning and completely bashes Colin Kaepernick in the most racist non-racist way possible. Having said that, I think Kaepernick is an asshole. There, was that so hard to say?
Monday, 8:30 pm
Houston Texans @ Pittsburgh Steelers: Ryan Fitzpatrick's beard has gone straight from "mountain man" to "literally this beard is part of my identity". How many onion rings and jalapeno poppers do you think are stuck in his beard right now? 22? 23? It's not less than 18, is what I'm trying to say. The guy's a freak for fried appetizers. He'll go into an Applebee's an not leave for a good five hours. They don't even bother giving him little cups of ranch anymore. They just serve it to him in a pint glass. He likes to drink every last drop anyways.